"Is Sex Supposed to Hurt?"
"Is Sex Supposed to Hurt?"- NO. Sex gives you pleasure, not pain. A very common but unknown and unspoken reason for painful sex is vaginismus. At Proactive For Her, we believe in open communication because it comes with experience in helping 650+ women across India to understand and overcome this fear. There can be some discomfort during your first time or even the first few times. However, a sharp pain that persists is not normal. You can actually know more in this video featured by Brut India with 3M+ views, where Dr Taru explains the first time sex pain and vaginismus. As India’s first women-led clinic specializing in sexual pain, we promise: No internal exams unless absolutely necessary. Your comfort comes first, always.
Vaginismus: A Silent Driver of Sexual Fear
Vaginismus isn’t a "flaw," it’s a clinical condition where pelvic muscles involuntarily tighten, making penetration painful or impossible. From women who come to us with painful sex get diagnosed with vaginismus, 7 out of 10 patients with painful sex show signs of vaginismus. The good news? It’s treatable. Dr Taru, our vaginismus program lead, herself has had vaginismus for 7 years after her marriage. She is a gynecologist but could not figure out her condition because there was no information about it, particularly in India. Today, we have spread the knowledge of vaginismus to about 50,000+ women with our weekly webinars. Our interdisciplinary team (gynecologists + therapists + pelvic floor specialists) creates a holistic plan because healing requires more than just physical solutions.
Note: Our experts are trained in diagnosing vaginismus, trauma-informed, and specially trained for sensitivity.
Someone asked: "Can sex tear something inside me?"
Answer: No! Your vagina is designed to stretch. The pain usually stems from muscle tension or lack of arousal, not "damage."
Understanding the Fear-Pain Cycle
Fear → Tension → Pain → More fear. This loop, called dyspareunia, traps many women. In India, cultural narratives (like "first times must hurt") or trauma amplify this. 60% of our therapy patients link sexual fear to societal messages. At Proactive, we validate this fear while gently dismantling it: Your body isn’t the enemy, it’s your ally.
"I’m scared of sex after hearing about rape."
Our approach: Trauma-informed care that prioritises emotional safety before physical steps.
Why Sexual Health Education is the First Step
Schools skip the essentials: pleasure, consent, and anatomy. No wonder patients ask us: "Will my partner know I’m a virgin?" or "Is my uterus too small?" We host workshops with our pleasure coaches to help women understand and explore their bodies because body literacy ends fear. Knowing your vulva from your vagina isn’t "TMI," it’s the first step towards a healthy sex life.
Creating a Pain-Free, Fear-Free Sexual Experience
Forget "just getting it over with." Here’s what works:
- Trust: Only proceed when YOU feel ready, emotionally and physically.
- Nervous system hacks: Practice deep belly breaths to relax pelvic muscles.
- Touch gradation: Start with non-genital touch (massage, cuddling), slowly progressing to mutual exploration.
Virginity and First-Time Myths That Hurt
We don’t grow up talking about sex, we are not supposed to even know about it, exploring our bodies is a whole different talk altogether. Maybe in the days leading up to the marriage, women are told (very hush-hush) to just bear the pain during the first time, think about your husband- he comes first. In the words of Dr Taru, “till marriage you're supposed to be a saint and then suddenly turn into a sexual goddess.”
Myth: Bleeding = "proof" of virginity.
Fact: The hymen isn’t a "seal," it’s a stretchy ring that doesn’t tear. Bleeding? Often caused by inadequate lubrication or rushing. We’ve had 17-year-olds panic after using tampons, fearing they "lost" their virginity. Let’s retire this harmful myth: your worth isn’t defined by anatomy.
"What if I don’t bleed the first time?"
Answer: 90% of women don’t! It’s irrelevant to "virginity."
Mental Health: The Missing Piece of Sexual Wellness
85% of women in our vaginismus program report sex-linked anxiety or guilt. Why? Shame silences them, and stress sabotages arousal (ever felt "dry" during nerves?). At Proactive, we integrate psychosexual therapy to rewire fear patterns. Your mind and vagina are connected, heal both.
"My body freezes when I think of sex."
Try: Mindfulness exercises to stay present and not panic.
Healing After Painful Experiences
We have had women come to us with 11, 6, 8, 7 years of vaginismus. They are not able to have sex with their partners, the atmosphere is tense, confidence is lost, and often the marriage is at its breaking point. Simple reason: no one talks about that a condition like vaginismus exists. Carrying guilt from a traumatic first time? You’re not broken.
Our approach:
Our focus is you and to make it easier, so our 8-week Vaginismus program is completely online. There are no physical examinations. Our psychologists help you understand and break through your fears while our gyanecologists simultaneously work on the physical part.
Recovery tools we use:
- Dilator therapy: Gradual, pain-free stretching (think: yoga for your vagina).
- Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT): Rewires negative thought loops.
- Sensation-focused exercises: Relearn touch as pleasure, not a threat.
"I feel like something’s wrong with me because I can’t have sex."
Our reply: Pain is a signal, not a life sentence
When to Seek Professional Help
Don’t "push through" pain. Come see us if:
- Penetration hurts after 3+ attempts.
- You avoid sex due to fear.
- Pain lingers post-intercourse.
- At Proactive, consults start with listening, not assumptions. We’ll explore physical and emotional roots, suggesting only evidence-based next steps.
You Deserve Pleasure, Not Pain
Sexual fear thrives in silence, but you’ve just broken it. Remember: Your body is wise, resilient, and worthy of joy. At Proactive For Her, we’re your judgment-free partners in reclaiming worry-free intimacy. Ready to rewrite your story? Book a consultation today.
"Everything was going downhill for me due to vaginismus until I signed up for Proactive For Her's 8-week vaginismus healing program. With the help of the doctors & the support of other wonderful participants, I overcame my feelings of loneliness & frustration. I understood the beauty of my body & learned to love every inch of myself. If I could heal myself & improve my relationship in a month, so can you!"
—Anonymous
Why Proactive For Her
We’re India’s first women’s health clinic to combine gynaecology + sex therapy + mental health under one roof. We’ve helped 650+ women navigate painful sex, vaginismus, and first-time fears. We offer non-judgmental, no internal exam consults unless medically needed. You’ll never be rushed, shamed, or told “It’s all in your head.” We believe in your pain and in your healing.
FAQs: Painful Sex Explained Simply
1.Is bleeding during first-time sex normal?
Bleeding isn’t "proof" of virginity. Only 10% bleed due to hymen stretching (not tearing!). Pain or bleeding usually means insufficient arousal/lubrication. If it happens, pause and explore comfort first. Your body isn’t failing – it’s asking for care.
2. Is it normal to feel pain during penetrative sex?
Discomfort? Common (especially first times). Sharp/burning pain? Never normal. It often signals muscle tension (vaginismus) or inadequate foreplay. Pain is your body saying, "slow down" – never push through it. Listen to it.
3. Why does sex feel like hitting a wall for me?
This "wall" sensation is classic vaginismus: involuntary pelvic muscle spasms blocking penetration. It’s a reflex–like flinching from heat. Not your fault. Our pelvic floor specialists help retrain this response gently. Think of it as your body’s overprotective alarm.
4. What can cause painful sex?
Top causes:
- Physical: Vaginismus, infections, and hormonal dryness.
- Emotional: Anxiety, trauma, guilt.
- Often, it’s both. At Proactive, we check all angles – body and mind. Pain is real, and so are solutions.
5. Are dyspareunia and vaginismus the same?
Dyspareunia = persistent genital pain (burning, aching).
Vaginismus = involuntary muscle spasms causing that pain.
They overlap often! 7/10 dyspareunia cases at our clinics involve vaginismus. We treat the root, not just the symptoms.
6. How to know if I have vaginismus?
Signs:
- Penetration (tampons, fingers, sex) feels impossible/painful.
- Pelvic muscles tighten involuntarily.
- Fear of penetration causes anxiety.
- Our painless assessment (no internal exam needed!) confirms this in 1 session.
7. Can vaginismus be cured?
Yes, absolutely. Success rates with pelvic therapy + counselling exceed 85%. We use gradual techniques like dilators, breathing, and cognitive therapy. Healing takes patience, but freedom from pain is possible.
8. Can vaginismus impact fertility?
Vaginismus doesn’t affect the ovaries or eggs. But pain may delay conception if penetration is avoided. We help you conceive comfortably via methods like at-home insemination or pain-free intercourse techniques. Your fertility journey shouldn’t hurt.
9. I freeze during intimacy – is that normal?
Very. Fear triggers a nervous system "freeze" response (like deer in headlights). This reduces lubrication and tightens muscles. Our therapists teach grounding exercises (ex: breathwork) to regain safety. Your body is protecting you – we’ll help it relax.
10. My partner says pain is ‘in my head.’ Is it?
Pain is PHYSICAL, but emotions intensify it. Blaming helps no one. We invite partners to consults to explain the science: "Your brain and pelvis are connected, but the pain isn’t imagined." Validation is the first step to healing.
11. Can tampons or cycling break my hymen?
No. Your hymen is stretchy (like a hair elastic!) with natural openings. Tampons/sports may stretch it slightly, but don’t "tear" anything. Virginity is a social idea, not a physical state. Your body is resilient.
12. How long should I try before seeking help?
If pain persists after 3 attempts, see us. "Pushing through" reinforces fear-pain cycles. Early care = faster relief. You deserve pleasure, not endurance tests.
13. My first time was traumatic. Can I ‘reset’ my experience?
Yes. We use somatic therapy + gradual exposure (like dilators) to help you associate touch with safety, not pain. As one patient shared: "It felt like reclaiming my body." Your past doesn’t own your future pleasure.
14. Will the treatment involve uncomfortable procedures?
Rarely. We start with therapy, education, and external tools (like dilators). Internal exams/surgery are last resorts (<5% of cases). You set the pace. Always.